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Final Four set for barnburning Main Event
2006 TNPE Main Event
WHEN: Friday, May 5, 2006
TIME: 7pm SHARP (Keg @ 6pm)
WHERE: 689 Myrtle Ave.
COST: $15 ($10 Buy-In, $5 Keg)
MPT '06 Championship
1st $100; 2nd $50; 3rd $30; 4th $20.
2006 TNPE Main Event will determine undisputed season champion, will be richest single tourney payout in league history, will expectedly host most competitors in single TNPE sanctioned event, and will feature the exotic dancing debut of Anne Cain
ALBANY, NY (May 5, 2006) -- The entire TNPE season has all come down to this, and is expected to bring more drama and plot twists to the 689 Myrtle poker room than the season finale of '24.'
Jack Bauer wants suspense in the Main Event, or else he will assassinate Brian Kanalley
Will Scottie McMullet, with his well-quaffed hair, save the world by catching a nuclear missile in his straight-brimmed Yankees hat? Will Evan Gentile swallow a vile of a viciously deadly type-A virus to save millions from an outbreak of bad athleticism? Will Chris Starace write a newspaper column about how he collected all 12 canisters of nerve gas threatened to be released in the 689 Myrtle poker room's gas lines? Or will Brens Layton heroically try to stop the pre-emptive brutal assassination of Brian Kanalley by other TNPE members, after Kanalley rivers the entire tour?
Well, with the exception of a Kanalley murder, these plot twists are unlikely to happen Friday night. However, it is certain that three out of these four players will walk away drunk off their ass, stumbling around, and slurring their words. It is also certain Evan Gentile will not let one single drop of a cold crisp-tasting Coors Light hit his lips.
... And, oh yeah, it is newsworthy to note that one of these four poker players will walk away with the coveted 2006 Masters Poker Tournament Championship as well.
Jessica Simpson, and her two friends pictured here, will not be in attendance to sing the national anthem Friday night
After completing a rigorous 16-event TNPE season schedule, four players are on the verge of changing their lives forever, and in prime position to take the most revered and respected championship in all of leisure sports, just ahead of the U.S. Lawn Jarts Open and the Century 21 Whiffle Ball Home Run Derby.
But all understand they are skating on thin ice, and that one false move, one fated hand, can cripple their entire season and chances at taking the title. A seat at Brian Kanalley's table this Friday night could be the overwhelming factor.
"When you play a hand against me, there's a 50/50 chance that you will either win and take a commanding chip lead, or lose on the river and watch all your chips being pushed into my corner as I bob my head in excitement," said Brian Kanalley, TNPE player and one of Satan's minions from Hell. It will all come down to who I want to unload my chips to first. If I feel like playing, I will win the event, but if I'm tired and not feeling up to the task, I will flip a coin to see who will get my chips."
FINAL FOUR PLAYER PROFILES
Here's a glimpse at how the final four stack up heading into the season championship and TNPE Main Event
MIKE "SCOTTIE MCMULLET" GAYDUSEK, 21, Undergraduate student
Place (Points): 1st, 158 pts
Season Wins: 1 (The George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin' Machine Open)
Top 5 Finishes: 8
2006 Earnings: $75
I can see it in his eyes, McMullet wants one more name change this season ... Wait for it!
Notes: A newcomer to the TNPE at the start of the season, Mike Gaydusek has made himself right at home to Thursday poker action, as his dictionary of trash talking words has expanded from "you big jerk" at the start of the season, to "ya fuckin' prickless asshole" by the end. Gaydusek is, in fact, the most consistent poker player on-tour this season. Only playing in 14 out of 16 total tournaments this season, Gaydusek surprisingly not only owns the season's points lead, but was also able to accomplish the most name changes in the history of the world over that short period of time. Toting the best looking baseball cap this tour has ever seen, Scottie McMullet will be forever known for his west coast trip in the middle of the season when he banged beautiful tan whores on the beaches of Malibu while the waves of the Pacific came crashing over them. Leading the season points standings for the most weeks this season, and with eight top five's in only 14 events, the Sheriff of Gay County will be the odds-on favorite to take home this inaugural championship.
CHRIS "MAYOR OF SLOWPLAYYOURCHIPSVILLE" STARACE, 22, Editor
Place (Points): T-2nd, 157 pts
Season Wins: 1 (The Tony Little You Can Do It! Gazelle Open)
Top 5 Finishes: 6
2006 Earnings: $60
Starace says he hasn't had any flare ups yet this week
Notes: Over the 17-week span of the TNPE season, Chris Starace has held 9 different jobs, the latest and most significant being sworn in as the mayor of Slowplayyourchipsville, New York in late April. Most famously known for having the best winning poker hand (ace-high straight) while on the shitter this year, Starace lingered around the basement of the TNPE standings for the better half of the season. But a remarkable turn-around, sparked by his ability to sit on his chips, has Starace right back in thick of things going into the final week. In an epic battle between TNPE villain Brian Kanalley in week 14, the mayor was able to overcome the darkness that is Satan himself, and take home the Tony Little You Can Do It! Gazelle Open to take the outright lead of the season standings for the first time all season. Starace's championship hopes and performance on Friday night, however, will rest on the status of his flaring hemorrhoids caused from sitting on his chips.
BRENDON "BRENS" LAYTON, 22, NYS Senate Press Office
Place (Points): T-2nd, 157 pts
Season Wins: 1 (The John Madden Boom! Tough Actin' Tinactin Open)
Top 5 Finishes: 5
2006 Earnings: $85
John Basedow says, "Brens sure is attractive"
Notes: Brens Layton has been, without a doubt, the most attractive poker player on tour this season. Doubling all season as the league's tournament director and poker player, Brens has written and published Pulitzer Prize winning material on the web site all season, and has done it all with remarkable charm and charisma. Winner of the week four John Madden Boom! Tough Actin' Tinactin, Brens hit a points slump in weeks 11 through 14, after being eliminated four consecutive weeks in a row in "on the river, bad beat" fashion, two of which were from demon sorcerer Kanalley. But with a dominating performance in last week's event, finding revenge and vindication by eliminated Kanalley on the river in one of the greatest hands played in the TNPE, Brens finds himself tied for second place overall, situated one point behind the leader. If Brens has a good hair day, and remembers his Carrie Underwood cd, the TNPE should prepare themselves for a real special performance from him.
EVAN "BAD ATHLETE" GENTILE, 22, Currently Unemployed
Place (Points): 4th, 154 pts
Season Wins: 1 (The Dan Marino Isotoners Gloves Open)
Top 5 Finishes: 7
2006 Earnings: $70
Gentile, pictured here, is poised to runaway from the competition like he runs away from Koopa Troopers
Notes: Gentile has been abused both verbally and physically by TNPE tour members all season, most notably by fellow final four player Mike Gaydusek with classic phrases like "Fuck you," "Shut up you dumb prick," and everyone's favorite, "Die, you Nazi mother fucker." And, unlike the Lord of the Tube Socks, Evan Gentile has been the most consistently bad poker player on tour this year and has played like his nickname reflects -- a bad athlete. Up until week eight, Gentile failed to come in the money once, but in week 15, Gentile finally put it all together, finding an elusive victory in the Dan Marino Isotoners Gloves Open. However, just when Gentile thought everything was back on track for him, his morale took a tumble for the worst as he was barred from entrance into the TNPE Wall of Fame because of copyright infringement complaints from Dan Marino. Now, only four points behind front-running Gaydusek, Gentile is excited and poised to do TNPE's version of Reggie Bush and finish second in the overall championship standings behind Brens Layton, a person no one expected to come in number one.
2006 MAIN EVENT DETAILS
The 2006 Main Event will feature a night with kegs, cards, strippers, and a special appearance by Jessica Simpson, minus the Jessica Simpson appearance, of course. Ten dollars will get you into the tournament, while $5 will allow you to swim in a bottomless pool of beer. But it will be the poker action that will get all the attention on Friday night.
"Wow, action is going to be tighter than a 13-year-old, post-pubesent teenaged girl," said TNPE member Josh Bouchard. "And oh boy does that looks really good to me. I'll take anything right about now!"
Yes! He has done it! And has looked good all season doing it too!
And, on one final TNPE tour note, it has been confirmed that the poker player formally known as Mike Gaydusek / Scottie McMullet / the Sheriff of Gay County / the Lord of the Tube Socks, has in fact broke a new world record late Monday afternoon after submitting his final request to have his TNPE name changed. TNPE Tournament Director accepted the request, and announced late Monday evening that he will be further known as "The Blind and Buttonless Horsemen."
"This is really an exciting time for me right now," said the Buttonless Horsemen. "Not only am I a fictitious and heroic novel hero, but I have a great chance in winning the championship. I just hope I don't end up at Kanalley's table Friday night because he is the true superhero of us all!"
BRIAN KANALLEY'S POKER TIP OF THE WEEK
How to effectively lose all your chips when dealt pocket ace's
After betting and raising recklessly all season long, it is very simple to get everyone at the table to call your all-in bet when dealt pocket aces. The real talent, however, lies in losing the most dominating starting hand in all of poker. When you are first to act, limp in with pocket aces, and hope that someone raises before the big blind. When it is your turn to act again before the flop, make sure you bob your head, and say loud and clear, "Ugh, I guess I am all-in." By pronouncing the "ugh" with a reluctant voice, you will be sure to see some calls. If you bob your head good enough, you will get everyone at the table to call you. When all the bets are settled and you flip your cards, make sure you bob your head some more and smile at your opponents after they see your ace's.
But you know something they don't know! You will get the last laugh, because only you know you will lose this hand. When you finally lose to running cards on the turn and river, you can proudly say to everyone, "I showed all of you! I told you I wasn't gonna win this hand! Silly fools!"
If you play this hand the way I just mentioned, you can be like me and walk away knowing that you are without a doubt the best player at the table!
Posted by Brens on 2006-05-02 14:38:45
TNPE Mother Fu*$'in Reminder ... DON'T FORGET!
2006 TNPE Main Event
WHEN: Friday, May 5, 2006 / 8pm
WHERE: 689 Myrtle Ave.
COST: $15 ($10 Buy-In, $5 Keg)
If you fail to comply, you will be beheaded and your limbs will be sent home to your mother via United States Postal Service Priority Mail (which means your parents won't receive your remains for another 2-3 business days).
TNPE NAT'L HEADQUARTERS -- So what can Abraham Lincoln do for you?
Well, besides already displaying unwavering bravery in leading our country to victory over the Confederate Army in the Civil War to further abolish slavery, a very generous Abraham Lincoln wants to give us even more.
He wants you to celebrate the ending to the TNPE season in good ol' clean, "pull yourself up by the bootstraps," colonial fashion.
For only $5 U.S. currency, you can get drunk and be somebody next Friday night
That's right gentlemen, for only five American dollars (that's $6.99 Canadian & only 50 dimes for Brian Kanalley) libations of the alcohol-type will be flowing in your direction faster than the Log Flume at Great Escape / Splash Water Kingdom.
For $5.00, you will be granted unlimited V.I.P., "Keg in a closet, pizza on the floor" access to euphoric drunkenness and food next Friday night, May 5, 2006, during the TNPE Main Event.
When Abraham Lincoln got drunk, he pretended to be Spartacus. The question is, who will you become next Friday night?
"Not only did I single-handedly lead our country to victory and free an entire race from persecution, but I am also giving qualified TNPE tour members a chance to have fun and get drunk next Friday night," said the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. "Exchanging my likeness on a five dollar bill for unlimited liquid pleasure in a can is a no-brainer. What more from a leader could you possibly want?!"
The TNPE Main Event will be the 17th and final event of the 2006 Master Poker Tournament season, and will mark the last poker tournament to ever be played at the 689 Myrtle poker room, the ending to a two and a half year tradition.
Anyone who is a member of the human race is invited to celebrate and attend this far from religious gathering. No word yet if strippers Donna Gentile, Jude Bouchard, and Anne Cain are attending. Entire cost for the evening's events will be $15.
Posted by Brens on 2006-04-27 10:06:29
Welcome to Slowplayyourchipsville! ...
... and Chris Starace is the mayor!
The Boston Red Sox break their 86-year old curse, a black man wins the Masters, and Josh Bouchard almost gets laid -- all before Evan Gentile finally wins a TNPE sanctioned event
ALBANY,NY (April 20, 2006) -- "Thank God Eckerd's open 24 hours," said current points leader Chris Starace, immediately following Thursday's "Dan Marino Isotoners Gloves Open," the 15th event of the TNPE season.
Preparation H is the only remedy for your "sitting on your chips" cure for hemorrhoids
After being eliminated in sixth place, Starace had to make an emergency visit to the pharmacy to pick up some Preparation H cream to sooth his hemorrhoids after they were irritated from sitting on his chips all night.
Worried about his shrinking lead in the season's points standings, Starace held onto his chips for dear life like Sylvester Stallone hung onto 1,500 foot cliffs with one hand in the box office classic, "Cliffhanger."
"Starace's lifeline performance must have been really good if it was comparable to Sylvester Stallone, because he doesn't resemble the incredible muscular physique of Stallone one bit," said Evan Gentile, Thursday night's event winner. "If I had to make a comparison to his performance, I would have to say he kind of resembled a weakened and bed-ridden terminal cancer patient clinging on for an extra couple of days."
An accurate depiction of Chris Starace at the card table Thursday
On the contrary, Starace applauds his performance as smart and strong poker play.
"All season long, I kept on complaining about the style of poker everyone was playing. Everyone sat on their chips because they were too concerned about getting extra points, and no one played poker the right way," said Starace. "However, now that I am in the lead with two events to go, my opinion has of course changed, and I will be sitting on my chips for the remainder of the season. I will only play hands that the blinds force me to play, and then I will get lucky and catch a flush on the river ... even if my pocket cards are unsuited."
According to Starace, complaining has always been one of his strongest tactics that he practices.
"I knew that if I kept complaining about it long enough, things would eventually turn in my favor," Starace continued. "Let's face it, last week I complained about not being the feature subject in last week's poker article of the week, especially since I won the last event and took over the overall season's points lead. But I complained about it to everyone long and hard, and now look it, I am the star of this week's article. Complaining really pays off!"
"I already have this tournament locked up," Starace issued as a final statement. I have already started making my minute-by-minute plans to celebrate my championship in Disney World five months in advance."
The rest of the TNPE tour disagrees, and is focusing to cancel Starace's celebratory plans.
"If the New York Giants can always find a way to blow their number one draft pick each year on a lousy player, Starace can definitely blow his seven point lead on the rest of the field," said third place overall Mike Gaydusek a.k.a. 'The Sheriff of Gay County.' "Just look, I had a commanding points lead for eight weeks during the season and everyone knows I blew that. It's simpler than you think it is. When you're in first, everyone is gunning to take you out. It's kinda like being in the crosshairs of Jack Bauer's sniper rifle -- wherever you run or hide, you'll always get shot down regardless."
Scottie McMullet / The Sheriff of Gay County / The Lord of the Tube Socks is one name change away from the all-time record in history of the world
In other 'The Sheriff of Gay County' news, immediately following Thursday's event, he submitted yet another request to TNPE officials requesting a name change to be further known as 'The Lord of the Tube Socks.' As expected, his request has been approved. This request marks a new TNPE record for most name changes in a season. He is only one name change shy of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince's all-time record in the history of mankind.
For Evan Gentile, Thursday's win in the Dan Marino Classic marked his first victory on tour with it coming at a critical juncture in the season. The record-tying 20-point performance was enough to propel him from fifth place to second overall in the standings, seven behind Starace and one point ahead of Brens and 'The Lord of the Tube Socks.'
"I have been waiting all season long for a chance to sign a picture on the Myrtle poker room wall of fame," was the emphatic response from Gentile, immediately after he had won event #15.
Dan Marino says, "The TNPE cannot use my image or likeness!"
And after Gentile did his touchdown dance in winning the event, his jaw dropped to the ground when he realized there was no picture of Dan Marino on the wall for him to sign.
"It was like someone punched me in the gut when I wasn't looking and knocked the air out of me," said the highly disappointed Gentile. "The feeling of disappointment was very similar to the feeling I get when I play home run derby at a little league field and don't hit any home runs."
TNPE Deputy Tournament Director Evan Silkworth said the reason for no picture was because there was copyright infringement disagreements between Mr. Marino and the TNPE. "I don't understand why, but when I tried to contact him regarding the photo, he issued this odd statement to me," said Silkworth.
Dan Marino's statement:
"Dear Thursday Night Poker Extravaganza,
That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you for staying out of my personal affairs.
Dan Marino, NFL Hall of Famer and Isotoners Spokesman"
No word just yet on whether the disagreement will be reconciled in time for next week's event.
Part time poker player / PGA golfer of America Bob Cain continued his rampant attack on the rest of the tour. Only competing in just his fifth of event of the year, Cain's second place performance gave him an incredible 74 points on the season, raising his average points per tournament up to 14.8 and his 'in the money' percentage to 80%. Even more incredible, projections show that if Cain kept this pace for all 15 tournaments played so far this season, he would have 222 season points, which would be 71 points ahead of current first place holder Chris Starace.
"God bless the United States of America, god bless Sandy Layton, and god bless my tournament point average," said Bob Cain. "I want two things to happen before the end of the TNPE season, and that's for (1) Tiger Wood's dad to finally die so Tiger can get back to competing on tour, and (2) for me to beat Josh Bouchard in the final overall points standings despite me playing in nine less tournaments than he did."
Next week's Press Your Luck No Whammies ... Stop! Open will be the final tune-up heading into the season's long-awaited TNPE Main Event on May 5th. Kegs, food, and strippers will be available for $5 apiece. Stripper entertainment will be provided by Jude "Luscious Lips" Bouchard and Donna "Astronomical Ass" Gentile, followed by the main attraction, Anne "Sweet Legs" Cain.
Posted by Brens on 2006-04-24 15:00:45
O Praise Him, the Prophet Brian Kanalley!
For TNPE card players, "A River Runs Through It" every single time when heads-up against the witch doctor Kanalley
ALBANY, NY (April 13, 2006) -- Brian "Showcase Showdown" Kanalley is at it again, and TNPE tour members are responding by violently throwing themselves off the roof at the 689 Myrtle Poker room.
Up-to-date TNPE tour statistics have shown that the league-wide suicide rate has spiked to over 400% in the last three weeks as Kanalley has turned in three top-five finishes, including two consecutive second-place finishes in the Tiger Wood's Crest Whitening Strips Open and the Tony Little's You Can Do It! Gazelle Open.
Immediately following last Thursday's second-place performance, Kanalley received a phone call from New York State Senate Majority Leader Joseph L. Bruno to applaud Kanalley of his recent heart-stopping, mystical and majestic poker play.
The majesty that is the Hudson River will change its name to "Kanalley River" on May 1, 2006
"Brian Kanalley has proven himself once again as a majestic demon sorcerer at the card table, and his demoralizing witch craft play has caught the attention of the entire State of New York," said Senator Bruno. "Therefore, it is my distinct pleasure to announce that I will be introducing legislation to the Senate Chamber that will if fact change the "Hudson River's" name to "Kanalley River," a reflection of Brian's outrageous play over the past month. I expect the bill to pass all three branches of government unanimously and become state law May 1, 2006. The State of New York is honored to bestow Kanalley as the namesake of one of our state's most treasured natural jewels."
As Senator Bruno mentioned, this honor comes in light of Kanalley's powerful river play in tournament hands. Over the past month, "Showcase Showdown" Kanalley has eliminated the most players on tour, all 65 of them coming on breathtaking river cards.
"Brian Kanalley new nickname should be "The Executioner," said former season points leader Evan Gentile. "If you are in a hand with Kanalley, and he still has a 1% chance of winning the hand on the river, fold your bleepin' cards quicker than an Asian black jack dealer please! We care about your life, and we can't afford to lose another player to a vicious suicide attempt. Please."
Gentile's adamant plea comes after his own suicide attempt last Thursday proved to be unsuccessful as emergency room doctors were able to stop card-related brain hemorrhaging before it did any critical, life threatening damage. Gentile dropped from first place in the overall season standings down to fifth place overall, now 11-points out of the lead. After holding a pair of queens, top pair on the board, Gentile called a Kanalley all-in, who only held pocket nines. After the cards were shown with the river only to remain, Gentile was poised to double-up and strengthen his chip position considerably.
Then that magical river card came.
"The moment that Kanalley's third nine came on the river, all I remember was that I started shaking, foaming at the mouth, and I tipped over onto the floor. I banged my head on the floor and immediately blacked out," said Gentile. "The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed with my bare ass hanging out the back of my gown while some male nurse was giving me an enema."
Survaillance video of Kanalley buying his 100 gold coin mystical Zelda sword at the store
"I don't know why Evan got so worked up after that river card came. He should have known it was coming," said Kanalley. "First of all, I had a 4% chance of catching that card on the river, and those are definitely favorable odds to begin with. But second, and more importantly, I casted a "river" spell on the cards with my magical Zelda samurai sword. Everyone understands the power of Zelda, so it should have been an easy non-call for Gentile."
And Kanalley's glorious Zelda samurai sword power only continued to grow stronger as the night grew longer. Kanalley was like a Siamese cat batting a yarn ball around, as he continued to toy with TNPE members. In fact, when it was his turn to cut the cards, he perplexed everyone at the table by cutting the deck exactly to an ace of spades facing in an upwards direction from the rest of the cards.
"He really is Satan's minion from Hell," Josh Bouchard said immediately following Kanalley's black magic trick.
And "The Executioner" wasn't done just yet. Kanalley had one more dark evil card trick up his sleeve and he waited until the right time to call upon Satan's devil children to carry out and unleash its wrath and unburdening strength. After eliminating Brens last week with rivered trips, Kanalley closed his pact with the devil by sending Brens to Hell for eternity. Kanalley caught a flush on the river to eliminate Brens on the river for the second consecutive week.
Kanalley made moves at the table like Patrick Swayze did in the 1990 movie "Ghost"
"When I knew I lost, I started breathing heavy, and I knew my time on Earth had come to an end." said Brens, in a statement received via fax from the fiery pits of the Netherworld. "All of a sudden, out of the corner of the room tiny shadows came running out, grabbing me by my ankles. Before I knew it, I was being carried off to the blazing agony of Hell just like the little shadowy demons did in the critically-acclaimed 1990 movie "Ghost," starring Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore."
"Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, muuuuuah haha!" laughed Kanalley after Layton got dragged away for eternity.
However, the power of Kanalley's evil black magic came to a screaming halt as the clock struck midnight on Thursday, luckily for Chris Starace. At 12:01 a.m., the roof top opened up and the eminent presence and glorious rays of light of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints came shining through onto Starace's body. It was now in fact Friday morning, the beginning to one of the most holiest days of the calendar year. Good Friday had arrived and the power from the heavens on high overpowered Kanalley's evil ways. With the embodied power and unconditional love invested in him from the Lord, Starace was able to combat Kanalley's demons from Hell, to take event 14 of the 2006 MPT, the Tony Little You Can Do It! Gazelle Open.
"It was basically your everyday epic struggle between good and evil, but we all know that the good side always wins," said Starace. "It kind of reminded me of He-Man defeating Skeletor, like David beating Goliath, kind of like the Dallas Cowboys defeating the New York Giants."
"The power of Christ compels you Brian Kanalley! I cast you out unclean spirit!"
"When the roof opened up at 12:01 a.m., we thought there was another leak in our ceiling," said 689 Myrtle poker room tenants Brian Durant, Dan Pedevillano, and Evan Silkworth. "We were relieved to find out it was only the glorious presence of Jesus H. Christ coming through instead of buckets of water."
Due to Kanalley's continued partnership with the Prince of Darkness, Satan, the TNPE will perform a special league-wide exorcism prior to next Thursday's Dan Marino Isotoners Event. Rabbi Auschwitz and Bishop Hubbard will be presiding to lead the crusade. This event will mark TNPE's first-ever exorcism.
BRIAN KANALLEY'S POKER TIP OF THE WEEK
How to Play Ten-Jack Correctly
The methods of playing this hand are extremely simple and you should be able to incorporate this play into tournament situations almost immediately. If dealt ten-jack, considered by many as one of the very strong poker hands to possess, always raise a drastic amount before the flop. The key is, once the flop comes, definitely consider folding your hand in first position and throw away a free check. Remember that in the Spanish language, the word "check" means "trap," foreshadowing the danger that will come if you continue to play them. If you do decide to check and stay in the hand with ten-jack, someone will trap you with their pocket 3's. Even if the flop shows ten, jack, six, leaving you with two top-pair, you will eventually lose to trip 3's on the river.
Posted by Brens on 2006-04-18 11:28:47
Bouchard combs the gray out of his horrid play
Durant's victory was overshadowed so much by Bouchard's performance in the "Walt Clyde Frazier Just for Men Open," that we won't even mention Durant's name outside of the subtitle of this article
ALBANY, NY (March 30, 2006) -- "...He had watched the sunrise off the California coast of the Monterey Peninsula a thousand times before. The warm tradewinds would roll off the Pacific waters and gently blow through his golden waves of hair as he took his usual place at the foot of a Cypress tree overhanging an oceanside bluff. He would come to this familiar spot by himself the same time every morning -- that ever so perfect time of the day when it was too light to be night, and too dark to be morning. To him, it was the only time and place in the world where everything always seemed to feel perfect and right.
The perfect time and place in the world: Pacific sunrise under a Cypress tree
But today things seemed different and he didn't know why. Then, as the golden rays of a newborn sun began showering down on the coastal cliffs, her angelic silhouette appeared on top of a lush and fertile hillside.
It was her. He knew it was her. It was the girl he dreamed about his entire life -- the girl that would save his tragic soul; the girl that would lift him up and give his life the meaning he was looking for; the girl that would put color inside of his world.
He knew that this was it. His time had finally come. Without a single spoken word, he took her in his arms, brushed her hair back off her face, and ever so gently kissed her soft, beautiful lips.
They deeply looked into each other's eyes and saw forever. He then laid her down upon the white sand of that California seashore and made passionate love to her as the waves of the Pacific came crashing over them. This was the moment he had been waiting for his entire life. He watched as his virginity washed away with the high tide never to be found again..."
No, this last selection was not taken from a chapter out of the critically-acclaimed romantic novel "For the Love of Scottie McMullet," by Mary Burkhardt.
This is exactly how TNPE tour member Josh Bouchard will lose his virginity one day.
However, that "one day" wasn't going to be during the 12th event of the TNPE season. In fact, on Thursday night, the chances of Josh losing his virginity on a crystal blue seaside were approximately 1:1,500,000, while his chances of winning the Walt Clyde Frazier Just For Men Open were a little bit better at 1:200,000. So Bouchard decided to take a stab at more of a sure thing -- the 1:4,899 probability of flopping a straight flush en route to a second place finish.
In his best finish of his illustrious 14-month career on the TNPE circuit, Josh Bouchard earned 16 points on his way to silver medalist honors, losing to Brian Durant heads-up on Thursday night. Bouchard's play was so powerful, that he eliminated celebrity poker guru Brian "Showcase Showdown" Kanalley with a flopped 10-high straight flush at the final table.
The Canastota covered wagon that Brian Kanalley was dragged behind on the Oregon Trail
After Bouchard showed Kanalley his unbeatable hand, Kanalley proceeded by believing he still had a chance at winning the hand with only King-high in his hand. Inevitably, Kanalley was then laughed and mocked at, tied to the back of a Canastota covered wagon, and dragged the entire length of the Oregon Trail immediately thereafter.
According to reports obtained by the Pony Express, Kanalley died somewhere between Fort Laramie and Independence Rock from a severe case of cholera.
"The death of Brian Kanalley has really hit me pretty hard, but thank god I at least still have my virginity," said Joshua Bouchard. "If I didn't flop that straight flush, he would have never died from the cholera epidemic. However, anyone who has ever played "Oregon Trail" on an Apple Macintosh knows that they need to stop at the general store for food and medicine to combat fatal diseases. It's Brian's fault that he didn't remember this."
"I came down with a small case of dysentery the other day, but Jude knew enough to stop at Rite-Aid on the way home to pick up some Robitussin," continued Bouchard. "Robitussin cures everything and anything from measles to herpes, but it fails to cure virginity, even the worst of cases like mine. I will continue to chase down an elusive TNPE victory and the end to my virginity."
Meanwhile, to many's shear terror and utter dismay, the results of event 12 completely changed the storefront display in the TNPE tour window. With a quality third place performance, Evan Gentile moved in front of Scottie McMullet to take over first place in the 2006 MPT season points lead, a position McMullet had preserved for seven straight weeks.
Gentile, a 2005 College of Saint Rose graduate, said his perseverance, hard work, and dedication from his time at Saint Rose really played a key factor in climbing his way to the pinnacle of world championship poker play.
"At Saint Rose, I took on a number of leadership roles that truly enhanced my poker play including being executive editor of The Chronicle newspaper, lead TV news anchor of the Saint Rose Show, and the 2004 Mr. Strose competition winner," said Gentile. "Even as an alum, I still participate in leadership building activities through my Alma mater. Last Friday, I played point guard for the Saint Rose alumni team at the fourth annual "War of the Roses Basketball Classic." I would have set a tourney record for most assists in a game, but Brendon Layton couldn't throw a golf ball into the Persian Gulf that night."
Scottie McMullet has changed his name to a more adventurous novel hero, "The Sheriff of Gay County"
In light of losing the season's points overall lead for the first time in about two months, Scottie McMullet believes a major change will be needed if he is to reclaim the top position. After a 12th place finish Thursday night, McMullet submitted a written request into the TNPE league office requesting his name be changed from McMullet to "The Sheriff of Gay County." League officials have approved his request.
Starting event 12 in a tie for sixth place Thursday night, Chris "Let's go to Myrtle Beach this summer" Starace pulled into third place overall in the season's points lead with a seventh place, 12-point finish. He was so excited about his chances of pulling into the top five, that his shuffling and dealing abilities morphed into the abilities of an Asian black jack dealer at Turning Stone Casino.
Starace dealt like an Asian black jack dealer Thursday night
"I was so excited that I thought I was throwing Ninja stars at my competitors," said Starace. "Asian women really know how to shuffle and deal their cards at a furious pace because many of them have been working as table dealers for years on end. I will never be good at anything because I get bored with my job after days on end."
The exciting, theatrical return of Bob Cain will highlight the Tiger Woods Crest Whitening Strips Open, the 13th event of the MPT season, tonight. Tour members have sought shelter recalling HurraCain's squalling winds and ultimate destruction he left earlier in the season in events 2,3, and 4. Shuffle up and deal starts at 8 p.m. eastern time.
Posted by Brens on 2006-04-06 12:39:01
Pedevillano proves he's a Trojan Man!
Bailey's pants come off while Pedevillano rapes competition in Kobe Bryant's Trojan Man Magnum Open, TNPE's 11th event of the season
ALBANY, NY (March 23, 2006) -- If Thursday night's action was any indication, Spring has most definitely arrived at the Thursday Night Poker Extravaganza.
No, Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow; But Ryan Bailey dropped his drawers instead ... all the way down to the floor.
Very similar to the ceremonial crystal ball-dropping in Times Square on New Year's Eve, Ryan Bailey counted down the last few seconds of Winter one belt loop at a time. As his pants hit the floor to reveal his own crystal balls, Bailey announced the start of Spring by hanging his pants from the 689 Myrtle poker room balcony flag pole. They will remain there throughout the reminder of the Spring months.
(Cue the triumphant trumpets and bugles)
Ryan Bailey "saluted his shorts" to the rest of the TNPE tour on Thursday night
"By the power invested in my pants, I pronounce that Spring is here!" said Ryan Bailey. "I shall rename this 689 Myrtle poker room as "Camp Anawanna" forevermore as visitors will "salute my shorts" before entrance into our poker realm and domain!"
As for event 11 on Thursday night, poker play could only be compared to Ryan Bailey's now pants-less ass -- loose with lots of play. As a result, two separate king-high straight flushes were dealt to two players, Timmy Hurlbut and potential event winner Dan Pedevillano, setting TNPE records for highest recorded hand played in league history and for most straight flushes dealt during one single event.
Each player was also awarded a record $5.50 in prize money for their stellar hands.
"I am a terrible poker player and tonight just proves how lucky I am at the table," said Dan Pedevillano, winner of the Kobe Bryant Trojan Man Magnum Open. "I am proud to have won this event and am excited to receive the free year's worth of Trojan Condoms as part of my prize. Now I won't have to worry about getting it all over the place when I lock myself in the bathroom."
Though roommate Brian Durant was in Malibu, California for Thursday's event, he released a statement later in the night via facsimile stating: "I am so excited Danny won those Trojan Condoms. Now when I step in an unknown substance on the bathroom floor, I no longer have to worry about it being ejaculant. Gaydusek and I could have used those condoms this week as we were banging beautiful tan whores underneath a Malibu pier while the waves came crashing over us."
Scottie McMullet is the card player formerly known as Mike Gaydusek
Also faxed with Durant's statement from Malibu this week was an official request submitted by Gaydusek to league officials requesting that his name on the season leaderboard be changed to Scotty McMullet. League officials have approved this request.
"I'm going for a full-body transformation, kind of like John Basedow's sudden mutation," said Mike Ga-, err, Scotty McMullet. "The TNPE tour can say good-bye to the straight brimmed Yankees hat Mike Gaydusek, and say hello to the beautiful long flowing locks of hair of Scotty McMullet!"
"The only thing that will remain constant is me calling Evan Gentile expletive names on a weekly basis."
Despite his absence, McMullet still controls the leaderboard by two points over the streaking Brens Layton, 103-101.
Though his pants may now waver in the wind above Myrtle Avenue, Ryan Bailey's play Thursday night was nothing but unwavering. Bailey turned in a second place, 13-point performance to leapfrog over Chris Starace to put himself into fifth place overall in the standings. He's positioned one-point behind third place and seven points behind McMullet.
"Playing with no pants definitely impacted my poker game immediately," said Bailey. "That fresh, cool breeze that I felt below my belt soothed my emotions at the poker table and made me feel relaxed and free. We should all take a step back and rethink the whole wearing pants thing. I guarantee the quality of play league-wide will enhance dramatically. Besides, who the hell needs pants anyway?
Evan Gentile thinks Ryan Bailey looks like Sharon Stone at the card table
"It wasn't that wearing no pants helped Ryan be successful. He was only successful because everyone was so distracted and appalled by his nude legs that they couldn't concentrate on their hands at all," said Evan Gentile, who stared at the pants-less Bailey for most of the night. "Him sitting at the poker table reminded me of Sharon Stone in 'Basic Instinct' sitting with her legs wide open in the chair ... and oh boy, that movie turned me on."
A capacity field is expected for next Thursday's Walt Clyde Frazier Just For Men Open. It has also been confirmed that Robert "Hurra" Cain will make his tour return in two weeks in time for the Tiger Woods Crest Whitening Strips Open. For the last two months, Cain has been splitting his time between his North Carolina cotton plantation and his oceanside bungalow resort in Jacksonville, Florida.
TNPE officials have voiced concerns about his potentially dangerous return due to Cain not being laid in a while and Bailey playing the remainder of the season with no pants on.
BRIAN KANALLEY'S POKER TIP OF THE WEEK
How to Play 8-9 Suited Correctly
The strategies for playing 8-9 suited are a lot different than strategies for playing pocket kings, or Kokomos. Because of the danger that exists in playing pocket kings, you should always fold them no matter position or chip count in relation to the rest of the field. With 8-9 suited, however, you should always play this hand with ferocity and aggressiveness. Some like to call this hand "suited connectors," while I distinguish this hand as the "ultimate trap hand." No matter your position at the table nor the amount of a raise placed before you, you should always call or re-raise before the flop. You do this because there is an 85% chance someone will be dealt pocket aces before the flop. With 8-9 suited, you have a 96.8% likelihood of hitting a straight off the flop, and a 82.9% chance of striking gold with a straight flush after the flop. When this happens, make sure you only call the person with pocket aces and never look too aggressive in chance of scaring them away.
This same exact situation happened between Andy Amodeo and Josh Bouchard early on in Thursday night's action. Bouchard caught Ace's, while Amodeo's 8-9 suited caught that inevitable straight off the flop. Bouchard went on to lose almost all of his chips, but his pride and virginity were left intact.
Brian Kanalley is the world renowned author of the best selling book, "A World Champion's Guide to the Rule of Three," the 2006 "Wine Taster Magazine" National Taste Tester of the Year, and founder of the ever-popular, new bracelet line "W.W.B.K.D.?" He currently owns the "Cream of Sum Yung Gui" Dojo in Colonie and offers Budakai classes every Tuesday night. His widespread fame has become a source of inspiration to thousands in the Capital Region.
Posted by Brens on 2006-03-27 12:48:31
Durant huffs, coughs, and blows TNPE down in #10
Many believe Durant's inspirational story of winning tenth event while combating Asthma is comparable to the Rochester autistic basketball player scoring 20 points in four minutes
ALBANY, NY (Mar. 16, 2006) -- Evan Silkworth isn't the only resident at 689 Myrtle Avenue trying to treat a life-altering medical ailment.
Although he doesn't have to monitor his blood sugar count everyday, TNPE preliminary champion Brian Durant has been forced to cope with a chronic case of asthma, a case so severe that it has plagued him since his very early childhood days.
Jerome Bettis gasps for much-needed air in practice because he suffers from severe Asthma
"I would wake up every morning and feel like Danny Pedevillano's mother was sitting on my chest," said poker veteran Brian Durant about his regular pain. "I could have handled the heavy pressure better if I knew Danny's mom was going to take a dump on my chest, but we all know she never did and probably never will. The suffering became so phenomenal that I had to turn to something effective to counteract it."
Brian Durant sought inspiration. What he found was Jerome Bettis.
"Jerome told me to take the Asthma Control Test to grasp a better understanding of my formidable disease," said Durant. "I took a chance getting on 'The Bus' and just liked I hoped, he took me to school. He enlightened me with a plethora of statistics pertaining to Asthma because he is a firm believer that the only way you can combat this disease is by understanding its effects and how to treat it."
And with Bettis's knowledge in hand, Durant was able to overcome his Asthma for one night and overcome a field of 17 entries to win the coincidentally-named "Asthma Control Test" Open, the tenth event on the 2006 MPT schedule.
"Brian may have tamed his Asthma overnight, but I didn't just become the 2006 Super Bowl XL Champion overnight," said Jerome Bettis. "When I was younger, I used to get so depressed when I couldn't play with the other kids because of my severe Asthma. I eased my depression by indulging myself everyday with lots of food. That's why I am the fat piece of running back I am today. I now like to take out my aggression of being so fat by running over Giants' defensive ends Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora.
The elusive Vince Lombardi Trophy that the Giants haven't seen in over 16 years
"Dude, Giants football is serious, dude. We're gonna win the Super Bowl this year" said Evan Gentile and Chris Starace, who act like they're on the team and have said this same comment for the past nine years straight.
"Asthma is the most common cause of school absenteeism and paralyzes the lungs of over four trillion children under the age of 18," said Big-Boy Bettis. "That means Brian Durant is not special in any way -- he is only a lousy, small, insignificant number. If Asthma was that easy to combat, then everybody would be a Super Bowl Champion like me."
Well, Brian Durant has known for some time now that he isn't a very good athlete, so he decided instead of chasing an elusive Vince Lombardi trophy the rest of his life, he was going to take up the leisure sport of Texas Hold'em. Little did Brian know, his Asthma would have him by the balls more than he expected at the poker table.
"I lose my breath and get blue in the face everytime Kanalley calls my raise preflop," said Durant. "I don't know if he has pocket rockets or six-deuce offsuit and it doesn't seem to ever phase him because he always bets his "Rule of Three" no matter what cards come out on the flop. I guarantee you he's gonna give me a heart attack before I ever die of asphyxiation."
Durant didn't suffocate on Thursday night thanks in large part to Kanalley finishing in dead last for only the second time this year.
"I didn't have the patience to play tonight because I had my house up on rollers and was moving it to a new location," said Kanalley. "Something like this takes time to do, but it can easily be done."
A vivid dipiction of Gaydusek's week in California banging tan whores
Durant's victory gives him a much needed 17 points in the standings, especially since he and current season points leader Mike Gaydusek will miss next week's event by heading to California for the week. Gaydusek's tenth place performance helped cushion his lead by ten points over the rest of the field. However, Gaydusek's six-week reign on top of the standings will be in jeopardy next week only if second-placed Brendon Layton earns ten points or more, or if third-placed Timmy Hurlbut earns 15 points or more.
"Right now I could give two shits about the season's points lead," said Mike "Scottie McMullet" Gaydusek. "I'm gonna be in California for Christ's sakes banging beautiful tan whores under a Malibu pier while the waves of the Pacific Ocean come crashing over us. It's a scene taking right off the cover of a romance novel. Anyone who doesn't agree with me is obviously homosexual."
"This week is such a big week of cards. I'm so excited. There's no place in the world I would rather be. I can't wait to play. This season is wide open now," said Chris Starace.
Posted by Brens on 2006-03-21 11:58:00
Kanalley "Chuck Norrises" TNPE tour in #8
"Sidekicks" co-star Jonathan Brandis and Infomercial co-host Christy Brinkley accompany the 1984 & '86-'87 Full-Contact Sparring World Champion Chuck Norris
ALBANY, NY (Mar. 2, 2006) -- An ancient Chinese proverb says, "Cheap things are not good, good things are not cheap."
Kanalley's mystical katana blade hanging on his wall
Confucius-pupil Brian Kanalley took this ancient old adage into account heading into Chuck Norris Total Gym 2000 Open on Thursday. Just hours before the start of the tournament, Kanalley got rid of his "cheap" self and bought some "good things" which were "not cheap."
He hoped that following Confucius' advice would transform his play into one of a Ninja foot soldier.
"This week I bought a $100 Samarai sword that I have had my eye on now for five years now," said the Cortland, New York native Kanalley. "Even though I only had $216 in my Key Bank checking account, it was really such a great find that I couldn't pass up. I figured, hey, I got the money, why not? ... It has already paid incredible dividends to my poker game."
Incredible dividends were paid indeed. Tying a TNPE record Thursday night in Event #8, Kanalley, like a stealth Ninja foot soldier, was a silent assassin at the poker table, kung-fu-ing his way through a field of 18 to take the Chuck Norris Classic.
Kanalley said that by hanging his new katana blade over his bed has given him spiritual wholeness and inspiration at the card table and that since the purchase, he has used quite a bit of meditation and concentration when betting.
"My "Rule of Three" has new meaning at the table," said Kanalley. "As I individually throw each chip into the pot, I recognize each as mind, body, and spirit. It adds more of a supernatural force to my bet, further creating supernatural results for me as I wipe the table clean. Consider it my "Sonic Boom" or my "Har-u-ken!"."
"I immediately announced to everyone that I felt electricity in the air tonight and that I thought Sensei Kanalley was gonna win it all!" said Brendon Layton, TNPE Tournament Director. "Little did I know that I was feeling the power of the golden glow being deflected off his katana blade and into the endocrine-nervous system of every competitor at the table."
"Chuck Norris says, "My tears cure cancer, but I have never cried."
Another Chinese Proverb that has recently come to light since Kanalley's record-tying victory states: "If an enemy is annoying you by playing well, consider adopting his strategy."
However, despite multiple attempts to imitate Kanalley's success by buying a Samarai sword, many TNPE players can't get themselves to pull the trigger at the cash register.
"I wanna play well in TNPE sanctioned events, but what the hell do you even do with a Katana Blade for Christ's sakes?" said Evan Gentile, the most prolific mediocre card player we have on-tour today. "It's too big to be a pocket knife, too sharp for my mother Donna to use in the kitchen, and there's no way I could hang it up on my wall because I have a serious Tiki Barber shrine. I can jerk-off to a poster of Tiki, but we all know that you can't jerk off to a katana blade. It's an easy decision not to buy one."
This move by Gentile doesn't come as a surprise to many TNPE members, many of whom have known Gentile to be a bit homosexual in his life.
"Dude, Evan is sooooooooooooooo gay it's ridiculous ... What did you expect?" said event #2 winner Bob Cain by phone late Friday night.
"Of course he's gay. The dude used to wear purple tights underneath his football uniform in high school ... What did you expect?" said "Girls Light" spokesman Josh Bouchard.
"The kid only eats sandwiches with just turkey and mayonnaise, it doesn't get much gayer than that ... What did you expect?" said Jimothy O. Fitzrandolph.
"22 x 2 = 44. Evan has been on this planet 22 years times 2, the number of times he goes to Disney World per year, equals 44 visits to the Magic freakin' Kingdom. How triumphantly boring and gay is that? ... What did you expect?" said TNPE TD Brens Francis Layton.
"The dude didn't even have sympathy for the family whose dog got hit by a car -- an accident he witnessed first hand when he was driving up to the Saratoga Harness Track in June of 2004. Instead, he just busted Layton's balls for shedding an appropriate tear. How remarkably gay is that? ... What did you expect?" said Evan Silkworth, Mike Gaydusek, Tim Hurlbut, Brian Durant, Dan Pedevillano, Ryan Bailey, Chris Starace, Roommate McCluskey, Brian Kanalley, Andy Amodeo, PatAndyAfriend, John Adamchick, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, Pope Benedict XVI, Super Bowl XXVII MVP Troy Aikman, Idol-winner Carrie Underwood, New York State Senate Majority Leader Joseph L. Bruno, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Celtic great Danny Ainge, Gonzaga star Adam Morrison, French President Jacques Chirac, Gold Medalists Brian Boitano and Picabo Street, FOX's '24' star Keifer Sutherland, and State Senator Malcolm A. Smith, democrat from the 14th New York State Senatorial District.
During Kanalley's electrifying play Thursday night, he also showed us that he is quite the wine cannesore by consuming an entire bottle of a 1998 vintage $8.99 pinot noir. He also treated the rest of the TNPE tour by teaching them a special lesson in etiquette by consuming the fine wine straight from the bottle, declining to use a crystal wine flute.
"That was no wine in that bottle, it was a secret potion that casted a spell on us all to call every Kanalley bet whether we wanted to or not," said Dan Pedevillano, a 13th place finisher on Thursday night. "He broke every TNPE witchcraft rule in the book and the Director should hire a witch doctor to sit in our tournaments for now on to make sure there's no further mystical tampering with our tournaments."
Josh Bouchard agrees with Pedevillano. According to Bouchard, Kanalley's breath smelled like "Gerber food and gasoline" everytime he took a sip from the bottle.
Kanalley must have had witchcraft on his side Thursday night, evident by the magnitude of cards he was getting dealt to him time and time again. Brian defeated Ryan Bailey heads-up to take the Norris Trophy with an all-in call of 9's over 4's full boat. Reluctantly, Bailey had a lesser boat himself, 4's over 9's.
"I thought he had KOKOMOS ... KOKOMOS I must say!!!" said the suburban commando hailing out of Voorheesville, Ryan Bailey. "If we were playing for the World Poker Tour, Mike Sexton would have said, "OH NO! WHAT A TRAGIC HAND FOR RYAN!" when the flop came. I gotta give it to Brian, he is one helluva poker player. He really knows how to make all the right moves!"
The win marks the first victory by Kanalley since the first event of the 2005 MPT preliminary tournament in December. It is the second victory in his illustrious 2-year career on-tour. With the $50 first place cash prize, Kanalley has quite a few possibilities on how he is going to spend it.
"I'm really thinking about getting a Sealy Certa mattress because I want to be nice and rested up when I play in these card tournaments for now on," Kanalley said. "For the first seven tournaments, I just got too tired to even want to stay up and try to win. I know I would win a lot more with a Craftsmatic Adjustable bed, but I have had my eye on these authentic bamboo knunchucks made in the Chinese Taipei 45 years ago. It's gonna be a tough decision to say the least."
Brian Kanalley's Wine Tip of the Week
The Art of Taste Testing
"Color and smell can tell you a lot about a wine before you taste it. Start by holding your tasting glass up to the light to observe its color and texture. Next, swirl the wine around the glass and let the aroma of the wine be released into the air. Slowly and carefully taste the wine making sure it touches each part of your tongue. Spit after you have tasted it. Remember, there are no right or wrong descriptions of how a wine tastes and smells. Everyone's palate is unique and different as each individual."
Brian Kanalley's Poker Advice of the Week
How to Play Pocket Kings Correctly
"When you are dealt pocket kings (known to some inexperienced players as "Kokomos") be very careful how you play and bet them in relation to your position at the table. If you are in first, "under the gun" position, you should always fold them. If you are the big blind, last to act and no one has raised before the flop ... fold them. If you are in any position, you need to fold pocket kings. You don't want to get trapped by another card player who has got pocket aces in their hand. With a 85% likelihood that one player will have pocket aces each hand, folding pocket kings is your best move if you want to be successful."
Brian Kanalley is the world renowned author of the best selling book, "A World Champion's Guide to the Rule of Three," the 2006 "Wine Taster Magazine" National Taste Tester of the Year, and founder of the ever-popular, new bracelet line "W.W.B.K.D.?" He currently owns the "Cream of Sum Yung Gui" Dojo in Colonie and offers Budakai classes every Tuesday night. His widespread fame has become a source of inspiration to thousands in the Capital Region.
Posted by Brens on 2006-03-08 13:48:59
John Basedow Mania in #7 FMS Open
'Poker Made Simple' for Silkworth in 7th event
ALBANY, NY (Feb. 23, 2006) -- In the first five events of this inaugural TNPE Masters Poker Tournament season, Evan Silkworth's play was more excruciatingly painful than having to listen to the sound of squealing piglets being slaughtered.
Fitness Guru John Basedow says, "I have great hair."
Then immediately following his 11th place finish in the Lean Mean Grilling Machine Open, Silkworth was introduced to haircare expert and fitness celebrity guru John Basedow. Little did Silkworth know that his life would soon change forever. Little did Silkworth know that he would soon be the first player in TNPE's long-standing history to win back-to-back championships in events #6 and #7.
"Everything about John Basedow is powerful - his looks, his personality, the warmth of his heart, even the golden waves in his hair were all inspiring to me. John Basedow is a real "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" story," said Silkworth as he quoted one of America's forefathers, Ben Franklin.
According to Silkworth, the key to his turnaround poker success came from watching the ever popular "Fitness Made Simple" video series, hosted by the Long Island native Basedow.
"In his video, Basedow talks a lot about the importance of having balance in your life in order to be successful. Mostly, he is talking about balancing good nutrition with a heart-pumping workout to get lean, tone muscle you have always wanted, but could never achieve. But metaphorically, he is talking about the importance of balancing your blood sugar diet with a hard working, never-say-die type of attitude in your life. That's the kind of lesson I take to the poker table now," said Evan Silkworthington. "That's why I have been successful and have stayed in remission."
John Basedow is known internationally as a hardworking, selfless man. In 2004, Basedow was feared dead by many after he was vacationing in Phuket, Thailand when the tragic Tsunami hit Southeast Asia killing 200,000. For days after the Tsunami, no one had heard from the television personality, further worrying his fan base that he might be deceased. However, it was later learned that he felt it was more important to save the lives of the thousands victimized by the Tsunami by pulling bodies out of the knee-deep Thailand mud.
"Now that's what I call a true American hero," said Silkworth. "To many people, he is just a 6'3," 200-pound, 31-inch waisted, muscle-bound shit brickhouse, but to me, he embodies so much more than that. Basedow drinks honor, metabolizes bravery, and sweats pure passion. I took great pleasure in paying the $19.99 + $4.95 shipping and handling for his video because I know it was going to be well worth it."
Evan Gentile agrees with Silkworth about how Basedow embodies so much more than what the public eye can see. "He kind of reminds me of a young David Hasselhoff running down the beach about to save a helpless beach-goer, except Basedow shaves his chest and Hasselhoff does not."
JOHN BASEDOW'S "FITNESS MADE SIMPLE" OPEN RESULTS
The beginning hands of the Fitness Made Simple Open were as explosive as John Basedow's muscles. In only the second hand of the evening, a competitive hand between Tim Hurlbut and Brian Kanalley lead to Kanalley's death and Hurlbut's chip stack doubling in size quicker than the length of time it takes John Basedow to form muscle -- and oh boy that's fast. Timmy flopped a full-house, while Kanalley had top pair on the board. The heated battle ensued with Kanalley raising and reraising with his rule of three while Timmy sat there with a shit-eating grin each time he called. Kanalley finally called Timmy's all-in, solidifying the fastest elimination in TNPE history.
"I wasn't wearing my W.W.B.K.D.? bracelet tonight, so I was confused on how to proceed in the hand," said Kanalley. "Plus, I was sitting there for a whole two minutes and 30 seconds and was getting tired, so I thought I would make some action."
Evan Silkworth's performance spikes his season total points to within eight points of the first place Gaydusek, who retains the number one spot by one point after a ninth place showing this week. Brendon Layton's performance also bumps him back into the top-five at number three overall in the standings, after being reprimanded to sixth place in last week's embarrassing 11th place finish in the Levitra Open.
NEW DVD POKER CLOCK UNVEILED AT 689 MYRTLE
A new wave of poker at the 689 Myrtle poker room has arrived. Just before tournament play Thursday night, Tournament Director Brendon Layton announced the addition of a brand spanking new DVD poker clock to be used for official play for the remainder of the 2006 MPT season.
The clock, which features high-tech, 21st century graphics and sound effects, is programmable according to the length of blind levels as well as the amount of blinds being issued per level. And just when you thought that was enough, the DVD also let's the entire playing field know it's time to "shuffle up and deal" when a bold Napoleon Dynamite-like voice comes on and says suitably "shuffle up and deal."
"What more could you want from a DVD than that?!" said poker critic Ryan Bailey. "Just the sound of the announcer's voice is far worth the $16.47 I selflessly donated to buying this DVD for the rest of the TNPE tour. "
"My favorite part of the clock is when it counts down from five seconds and ending with an explosion signifying the end of a poker level," said Josh "Girls Light" Bouchard. "When the clock explodes on the screen, I simultaneously explode in my pants with excitement!"
JOHN BASEDOW'S FITNESS TIP OF THE WEEK
Fitness enthusiast John Basedow played tennis as a teen, but did not start lifting until age 24. Like most of us, he says, he tried all the abdominal exercises trying to get those elusive "washboard abs," but to no avail.
Fitness Made Mother F'in Simple
"The thing I lacked was proper nutrition," Basedow says. "Once I started eating correctly, the results came tenfold. Fitness is really knowing what your body needs at specific times. For example, protein is very important. In fact, forty percent of your diet should be protein enriched. I recommend the intake of some clean sources of protein including egg whites, turkey breast and lean red meat."
"Please visit my website at www.fitnessmadesimple.com for more exclusive tips on getting into tip-top shape as well as some of my most secretive tips in styling your hair just like mine!"
Posted by Brens on 2006-03-01 12:23:31
Do you want to advertise here for $100/month for a minimum of 3 months? If not, don't bother contacting HPT about advertising. Have a nice day!